I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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