I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
