My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
