He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
