fuck your aforementioned shoe
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
