When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
