I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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