i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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