This dress was meant to end up on your floor
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
