WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
