the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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