Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
