I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
