Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
