nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
