u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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