So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
