Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i think i have two assholes
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
