If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
