Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
