I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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