i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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