I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
