I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
