Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
