she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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