I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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