I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
