Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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