Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
