Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
