I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
