Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
