So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
