I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
