You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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