My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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