Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
