oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
