I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize