we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
