I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
