Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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