There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
