take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
