i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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