Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
