New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Someone shattered a urinal.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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