He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
