i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Someone shattered a urinal.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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