Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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