i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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