grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I could fuck to npr.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
