my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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