I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
