I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
