dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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