I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
