he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I am mentally ready for anal.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
