and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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