I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i wish my penis had a tongue
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
