idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm like, not good at living.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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