Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
